Putting some thoughts to paper...

Today was appropriately cold for January. It was that deceiving kind of cold day that looks bright and sunshiny from in the house. I was foolish enough to be swayed by the brightness that I left my gloves in the house when I went on a quick errand. Mid-way to my destination I realized my hands are freezing on the ice cold steering wheel. This was only a mildly shocking reminder that the temperate days of December have left us and been replaced with bitter cold.

One of my very best friends had a baby about a week ago. On a very cold and wintery day a new baby came into the world. She's been in early labor since several days earlier in the week, so it was time. I've had people around me have babies and even had one myself but she's my closest friend to go through the experience. I found myself pausing all day to wonder how she is and how she's feeling. We had a brief 20 minute phone call and she's been humoring me by responding to my texts but I am longing to sit with her and hear all her thoughts on the experience. I know she's busy and no doubt occupied by gazing at her newborn (isn't that what everyone does???) She's now a mother, when I saw her a few weeks ago I laughed and said it would be the last time before she was a mom. Now she is. In a moment, a huge life transition. I feel like the reality of the transition set in slowly for me. Yes, there was the shock of no sleep and new life but now I look over the year and see my slow progression into thinking about my child's well being first and considering my choices as mother and a person not just an individual.

I've also been thinking about what it was like the day Nemo was born. The newness of being a family of three and the intense emotions. The blissful moments of new babyhood. The delight at finding myself cozied up to my darling partner and delicious new baby. In my saner moments I've been recalling my experience in childbirth and the process of recovering afterward. But even that was an empowering feeling, to see a new life come into the world, it's cliche but amazing to behold. There is a delightful joy in those new moments of life. When Nemo was born I found myself staring into the faces of my mother and husband both of whom were crying. I was simply relieved that labor was over and had a rush of wonderful feelings (probably the natural oxytocin!) just by looking at my baby. But that first moment is ingrained in my head and I hope will stay there forever.

Our first family shot

Obsolete

There is this song on the new Sara Groves album that has been sticking with me lately. When I first heard it I had to pause and think for a moment if I was really getting what the lyrics meant. I'm still not sure I am able to judge Sara's original intention in the song but there are few parts of it that speak directly to where I am at right now and at other times of my life. 

The song is called, "Obsolete", and the word itself taps into some of my worries/insecurities. But it also reminds me to be hopeful, that no matter what I'm not irrelevant to the one who created and loved me first. 

Obsolete

Sara Groves

It’s hard to feel obsolete

It’s hard to feel your skirts are showing

You pull and tug to hide the works

That keep the whole thing going

And you don’t know where you stand

And you feel so small and thin

And if you are dismissed

Will another take you in?

Walking through a hall of doors

Looking through a million portals

Everyone is having fun

Everybody seems immortal

And you don’t know where you stand

And did something pass you by?

And if you are dismissed

Will you get another try?

Are you and I an apparition

Flickering up on the screen

Sending out our best transmissions

Waiting in our velveteen

Tell me you can really see me

It’s hard to feel disqualified

For living in a different time

As if the train will only stop

For the current paradigm

And I don’t know where we are

Are we passing through these wires

Are we waling through the streets

Of invisible empires

And I know I shouldn’t care

If I’m out or if I’m in

Cause if I am dismissed

Oh you always take me in

Sometimes I feel as though I'm not quite on the track that most of my peers are (this tends to be related to professional life and my geographic location). Like somewhere along the line I stepped off and made a choice to go a different direction and as a result I'm not sure I'm always relevant to them. I don't mean to say that I'm some special in some unique way, there are plenty of people who choose to live differently from the mainstream. Some people differentiate themselves by choosing to be unique in their food choices or their religious views or even their parenting practices. Certainly many of us are seeking to craft a special niche for ourselves in the world. 

In many ways I'm pretty typical, young (for a while a least!), educated, heterosexual, privileged in a variety of ways (racially and economically come to mind), connected to my family and a mother (though relatively new to this one).  I think that despite these "typical" characteristics there are other things going on below the surface. Most of us have more going on internally than we care to admit to others. Being a psychologist has taught me many things but perhaps the most common lesson is that people long to be loved by others, truly and deeply loved. Not just accepted for who they are (though we tend to appreciate that as well) but really valued, cherished and loved. I have also come to the realization more and more that many people do not feel that way. 

So perhaps this song hits me for myself and others. For myself it reminds me that when I feel forgotten, brushed over and just generally dismissed in some part of my life, that's not the end of the story because there is someone who will always take me in. For others it reminds me to continue to encourage finding that human connection and that pursuing true connection and love is worthwhile. 

So that was a bit random but for some reason when this song comes on for me I have to stop and reflect on what it means for me and those around me. 

reflections...

She will be one year in only 23 days.

I will be 30 in only 23 days.

I'm not sure what I think of being thirty as of yet. My recent feeling has been that I spent most of my 20s doing things I "had" to and I would like to spend my 30s doing things I "want" to do. We'll see how that goes. Overall, I think the 30's are going to be good. Though I'm sure I"ll feel a bit more nostalgic for all the memories of my 20s as they come to a close. I mean it's quite dramatic how far reaching the last decade has been for me, I finished college, traveled internationally to at least two continents, received a total of 3 degrees, made significant life decisions, got married, had a baby, made some life-long friends, bought a house, got a real job in my field, learned how to paint a room, became a better sister, defended a dissertation, passed the licensing exam, taught classes to undergrads and grads, buried loved ones, celebrated weddings, learned to be a landlord, started running then stopped running, lived in several cities, and came home to live in Chicago. Basically, I went from being a VERY young adult to being a SLIGHTLY more adultish person (since I'm in charge of another person now I guess I can say it's come full circle).

I have many hopes for the next decade. Though I think at this point in my life the change will probably slow somewhat. Just like Nemo who has had a radical year of growth, her second will likely be paced a bit slower. I think I'd like to savor my thirties, enjoying each year and what it brings. Take a slow and measured pace, cause in 10 years I'll be welcoming 40!

Here's to a wonderful next decade!

I love these two pictures. Two of my favorite people in the world on one of our favorite adventures, the Oak Park Farmer's Market... Nemo loves to hang on her daddy's back while she explores all the sights and sounds around her. And the apple hat helps to set the autumn mood!

gratitude and fear....

The other day I was walking to one of the classes I teach. As I was crossing the green tree-lined south-suburban campus a wave of gratitude just washed over me. I felt the cool fall breeze coupled with the warm sun and was thankful to be alive in that moment. I thought about the many amazing blessings that I have and how wonderful it is to be in this time of my life right now. I am genuinely thrilled with my daily life. Sometimes that happens to me, a moment where I'm just overcome briefly with gratefulness for my life. I wish I could live in that moment more often, so much more commonly I'm caught up in the racing emotions of live that distract me from focusing on the important, life-giving ones.

For example, the feeling of fear. In counseling I'd probably tell a client that feeling afraid is adaptive to a certain extent, it helps us to survive in our surroundings (particularly if there is something legitimately to be afraid of in our lives). But for me fear is complicated, not always helpful but not always unhelpful either. Like many people, I can get trapped in fear and paralyzed by it so I work hard to keep it at bay. Sometimes I'm more successful than other times. This week I heard on our block that several houses have gotten robbed. Now, on the one hand feeling afraid can be helpful when hearing this news, it causes me to make sure I'm aware of what's going on around me. It helps me to remember to set my house alarm when necessary and it keeps me focused on safety. But it can also be paralyzing, because for me the fear of getting broken into is an old one that taps into something from my early years. When we were discussing this the other night MSD asked why this fear gets to me when so many other things don't seem to stir up any worry on my part. I believe the way he put it was, "I'm not used to you being the one worried about something, that's usually my job..." So true, so true.

I tried to put into words my experience as a 6th grader whose house had just been robbed and explain the vulnerability that comes when you don't feel safe and secure anymore. What I realized is that when that fear of getting robbed comes up I go back to being that 11-year-old girl trying to hide her cd player in the covers of her bed to protect it. A little kid doing whatever she could to save her precious treasures. Even at the time I knew that my efforts were useless, if someone broke into our home they could easily find anything I hid. I couldn't stop it from happening, even if I tried my hardest.

And that's really it, there is nothing I can do to protect my life and keep bad things from happening. I can spend tons of energy worrying and trying to safeguard my belongings and loved ones but ultimately there is nothing I can do to stop evil from wrecking havoc in my life. Now I don't say all of that to be depressing, in fact I find it rather liberating. I can't save myself so I have to quit trying. Instead I want to live in moments of gratitude and thankfulness for the blessings in my days.

Easier said than done. There is a balance to be sought, an attempt to value this world and it's tremendous potential and recognize my own powerlessness in the midst of pain, hopelessness and despair. I am always working on creating that balance in a way that tips the scale towards greater hope in the things that last, such as relationships, love and kindness. Those are the moments I want more of in my life.

a new rhythm ...

This is the first autumn season in a long time where nothing new or life-changing is on the horizon. Last fall I was preparing to have a baby and the one before that I was starting a new job, and the one before that was spent acclimating to internship and finishing my dissertation. But this fall is just me and some familiar routines (i.e. jobs I've been doing for a while and some semblance of order in the rest of my life). Nemo is big enough to be ready to explore areas of our city or simply run errands around town. She's also getting into a schedule, aka slightly more predictable (though now that I wrote that it will change tomorrow). So this fall I'm looking forward to crisp weather and making applesauce. But mostly I'm looking forward to simply living without any major tasks on the docket.

That isn't to say that I haven't been considering all the projects I'd like to finish around the house and professionally. There are always plenty of things to do! MSD would tell you that I've always got five more things planned than I have time to complete. But for the first time in a long time I feel more ready to slowly tackle them at whatever pace I need to. Maybe it's having passed the licensing exam and feeling free of that worry hanging over my head, perhaps it's the great rest we had on vacation in Montana that is re-energizing me for the school year ahead. I know that it's partly to do with MSD being done with his tenure process and his simply going into a school year not burdened by extraneous projects. Things feel a bit simpler, more low key and for that I'm grateful.

I do have to teach several classes this fall, two of which are new preps. So that will take time and energy to manage and prepare for well. But even there, I know the institutions as I've taught at them before and I know the material since I've just been through a lot of it again in preparation for the licensing exam. It's nice to feel as though there is not some big looming newness out there that I have to ready myself for.

So a new rhythm is at work here in our house, my hope is that it plays for a long time. I am looking forward to the events of fall and beyond that to the holidays. Perhaps it's because we are both teachers but autumn always feels like a fresh start and a new beginning (even though from a calendar perspective it's really the end of the year). Here's to all the crisp fall weather ahead of us!

Working...

Not much to say tonight, I spent the weekend teaching graduate students. A good weekend that I think yielded growth for my students and myself. After an entire weekend of teaching I always feel EXHAUSTED on Sunday night. The introvert in me just wants to curl up in bed and read or watch mind-numbing TV. Tonight it was reading, I'll post some thoughts on the book I just finished soon. (It appears that my blog is turning into a perpetual 5th grade book report.)

Anyway teaching is a paradox for me. I always dread going to teach, I feel anxious and run through several scenarios of why I don't like teaching. I get stressed and find myself ruminating on lesson plans and worries about running out of things for my students to do in class. But then I get to class and I start talking with my students about the subject matter. And all my anxiety goes away, the dread is replaced by excitement and energy. I can honestly say that I enjoy the process of talking with my students and engaging around the topics. They ask questions and offer good discussion points and I find myself totally invested in the conversation. My mind is spinning in several directions as I also stay close to the conversation at hand. We go through lectures and do role plays. I feel intellectually alive and refreshed. It's just really good.

Then I head home and recount to MSD all the interesting things that students said (sometimes we also laugh about the somewhat crazy things that were said). We discuss teaching and get into it over classroom details (sometimes we have very different opinions about how to handle classroom instruction). But it always yields some good conversation. And then I am totally and completely exhausted. After some brief discussion I usually have to head to bed with a book because my brain is fried. For example, right now my head feels incredibly full and tight. I am overwhelmed at the thought of having a conversation about anything. Writing actually feels easy since there is no need to exchange ideas with anyone. I am so tired that trying to think of responses to someone's questions feels impossible.

All of this reminds me yet again that I am a complete introvert who needs time to recharge her batteries. I need time to sit and just let my mind rest since being with people taxes my resources. Thankfully after teaching all weekend I have a few days to recover before going into the office to do therapy. I plan to spend those days wisely and somewhat quietly.

And now a gratuitous picture of Nemo who I plan to spend most of my time with:

The beginning

So why my own blog?

To be honest, I'm not sure. I was perfectly content posting over at Minimal Spin Daddy. And I'll probably still post over there sometimes. But for some reason I was itching to try out my own platform, something just mine. A room of my own according to Virginia Woolf.

Woolf's story about a woman needing her own space is a feminist classic that I often referenced when teaching in Women's Studies. I guess it applies to the blogosphere as well. What also comes to mind is the episode of The Cosby Show where Claire Huxtable gets her own room. Here is this fabulous mother who is also a successful lawyer and all she wants is a space that's completely silent! Of course they handled it in a humorous way but the essential point still remains, how do we get our own space?
What's important to me is not the separating from someone or something else but rather the creation of a unique space, reflective of oneself. The space to think, be honest and create. It's so easy for me in this stage of my life to simply surround myself with people and action all the time. I certainly don't have a shortage of things to do! But it's crucial for me to start writing and thinking on my own again.
What attracts me to other blogs is seeing what people do with their creative space. The really interesting and engaging ones are authentic. They give a representation of the individual's unique personality.
For example, Girls Gone Child, authored by Rebbeca Woolf, feels free and open. I get the feeling that she's like that in real life (though I have no way of knowing this for sure). I always look forward to seeing her new posts pop up in my google reader.
Another woman with a different feel is Meghan Francis, of The Happiest Mom. Her posts feel well thought out, motivated and honest. There's not a hint of pretension or showing off. She feels real and pretty normal. (again I have no way of knowing these things for sure.)
These two women are also writers, not just on their blogs, it's what they do for a living. I think that's another reason I enjoy their writing, it's well done.
Maybe I also enjoy their work because it reaches beyond themselves, they note the funny and enjoyable things going on in their lives but with a kind of larger lens that stretches out to connect with the reader. That's a tricky skill. It's one thing for me just document my life and my family but quite another to write something bigger than my own personal experience. Yet I would love to cultivate that skill in myself.
The truth is I'd love to be a writer. But I am horribly insecure about it. So instead I bluster about not having time and being exhausted when Minimal Spin Daddy asks me what I've been writing. So the thing I hear about writers is that they write every day no matter what. I don't know if I'm capable of that but I can definitely do better than I am now.
So this is an effort to create "a room of my own".