Happy Halloween!

Obsolete

There is this song on the new Sara Groves album that has been sticking with me lately. When I first heard it I had to pause and think for a moment if I was really getting what the lyrics meant. I'm still not sure I am able to judge Sara's original intention in the song but there are few parts of it that speak directly to where I am at right now and at other times of my life. 

The song is called, "Obsolete", and the word itself taps into some of my worries/insecurities. But it also reminds me to be hopeful, that no matter what I'm not irrelevant to the one who created and loved me first. 

Obsolete

Sara Groves

It’s hard to feel obsolete

It’s hard to feel your skirts are showing

You pull and tug to hide the works

That keep the whole thing going

And you don’t know where you stand

And you feel so small and thin

And if you are dismissed

Will another take you in?

Walking through a hall of doors

Looking through a million portals

Everyone is having fun

Everybody seems immortal

And you don’t know where you stand

And did something pass you by?

And if you are dismissed

Will you get another try?

Are you and I an apparition

Flickering up on the screen

Sending out our best transmissions

Waiting in our velveteen

Tell me you can really see me

It’s hard to feel disqualified

For living in a different time

As if the train will only stop

For the current paradigm

And I don’t know where we are

Are we passing through these wires

Are we waling through the streets

Of invisible empires

And I know I shouldn’t care

If I’m out or if I’m in

Cause if I am dismissed

Oh you always take me in

Sometimes I feel as though I'm not quite on the track that most of my peers are (this tends to be related to professional life and my geographic location). Like somewhere along the line I stepped off and made a choice to go a different direction and as a result I'm not sure I'm always relevant to them. I don't mean to say that I'm some special in some unique way, there are plenty of people who choose to live differently from the mainstream. Some people differentiate themselves by choosing to be unique in their food choices or their religious views or even their parenting practices. Certainly many of us are seeking to craft a special niche for ourselves in the world. 

In many ways I'm pretty typical, young (for a while a least!), educated, heterosexual, privileged in a variety of ways (racially and economically come to mind), connected to my family and a mother (though relatively new to this one).  I think that despite these "typical" characteristics there are other things going on below the surface. Most of us have more going on internally than we care to admit to others. Being a psychologist has taught me many things but perhaps the most common lesson is that people long to be loved by others, truly and deeply loved. Not just accepted for who they are (though we tend to appreciate that as well) but really valued, cherished and loved. I have also come to the realization more and more that many people do not feel that way. 

So perhaps this song hits me for myself and others. For myself it reminds me that when I feel forgotten, brushed over and just generally dismissed in some part of my life, that's not the end of the story because there is someone who will always take me in. For others it reminds me to continue to encourage finding that human connection and that pursuing true connection and love is worthwhile. 

So that was a bit random but for some reason when this song comes on for me I have to stop and reflect on what it means for me and those around me. 

reflections...

She will be one year in only 23 days.

I will be 30 in only 23 days.

I'm not sure what I think of being thirty as of yet. My recent feeling has been that I spent most of my 20s doing things I "had" to and I would like to spend my 30s doing things I "want" to do. We'll see how that goes. Overall, I think the 30's are going to be good. Though I'm sure I"ll feel a bit more nostalgic for all the memories of my 20s as they come to a close. I mean it's quite dramatic how far reaching the last decade has been for me, I finished college, traveled internationally to at least two continents, received a total of 3 degrees, made significant life decisions, got married, had a baby, made some life-long friends, bought a house, got a real job in my field, learned how to paint a room, became a better sister, defended a dissertation, passed the licensing exam, taught classes to undergrads and grads, buried loved ones, celebrated weddings, learned to be a landlord, started running then stopped running, lived in several cities, and came home to live in Chicago. Basically, I went from being a VERY young adult to being a SLIGHTLY more adultish person (since I'm in charge of another person now I guess I can say it's come full circle).

I have many hopes for the next decade. Though I think at this point in my life the change will probably slow somewhat. Just like Nemo who has had a radical year of growth, her second will likely be paced a bit slower. I think I'd like to savor my thirties, enjoying each year and what it brings. Take a slow and measured pace, cause in 10 years I'll be welcoming 40!

Here's to a wonderful next decade!

I love these two pictures. Two of my favorite people in the world on one of our favorite adventures, the Oak Park Farmer's Market... Nemo loves to hang on her daddy's back while she explores all the sights and sounds around her. And the apple hat helps to set the autumn mood!

random...

It is amazingly warm and sunny today. Almost feels like summer, in October... sometimes Chicago weather is so weird. I bet next week it is 40 degrees. Seriously, the weather here is strange.

But today is so warm, sunny and bright. It's also noisy outside because people are out on their porches or driving by or walking the block trying to soak in whatever sunshine we can store for the coming cold weather. I've got the windows open and we're listening to the city sounds come in through the windows.

Nemo and I are having a fabulous day, enjoying the sunshine and entertaining surprise visitors. (One of my college friends stopped by which was very exciting, especially since it was random!)

It's a good day, nothing special or unusual, I'm trying to squeeze my grading and planning into the moments when Nemo sleeps. And when she wakes we'll play, fold laundry and think about new adventures to go on... it's a good day.

gratitude and fear....

The other day I was walking to one of the classes I teach. As I was crossing the green tree-lined south-suburban campus a wave of gratitude just washed over me. I felt the cool fall breeze coupled with the warm sun and was thankful to be alive in that moment. I thought about the many amazing blessings that I have and how wonderful it is to be in this time of my life right now. I am genuinely thrilled with my daily life. Sometimes that happens to me, a moment where I'm just overcome briefly with gratefulness for my life. I wish I could live in that moment more often, so much more commonly I'm caught up in the racing emotions of live that distract me from focusing on the important, life-giving ones.

For example, the feeling of fear. In counseling I'd probably tell a client that feeling afraid is adaptive to a certain extent, it helps us to survive in our surroundings (particularly if there is something legitimately to be afraid of in our lives). But for me fear is complicated, not always helpful but not always unhelpful either. Like many people, I can get trapped in fear and paralyzed by it so I work hard to keep it at bay. Sometimes I'm more successful than other times. This week I heard on our block that several houses have gotten robbed. Now, on the one hand feeling afraid can be helpful when hearing this news, it causes me to make sure I'm aware of what's going on around me. It helps me to remember to set my house alarm when necessary and it keeps me focused on safety. But it can also be paralyzing, because for me the fear of getting broken into is an old one that taps into something from my early years. When we were discussing this the other night MSD asked why this fear gets to me when so many other things don't seem to stir up any worry on my part. I believe the way he put it was, "I'm not used to you being the one worried about something, that's usually my job..." So true, so true.

I tried to put into words my experience as a 6th grader whose house had just been robbed and explain the vulnerability that comes when you don't feel safe and secure anymore. What I realized is that when that fear of getting robbed comes up I go back to being that 11-year-old girl trying to hide her cd player in the covers of her bed to protect it. A little kid doing whatever she could to save her precious treasures. Even at the time I knew that my efforts were useless, if someone broke into our home they could easily find anything I hid. I couldn't stop it from happening, even if I tried my hardest.

And that's really it, there is nothing I can do to protect my life and keep bad things from happening. I can spend tons of energy worrying and trying to safeguard my belongings and loved ones but ultimately there is nothing I can do to stop evil from wrecking havoc in my life. Now I don't say all of that to be depressing, in fact I find it rather liberating. I can't save myself so I have to quit trying. Instead I want to live in moments of gratitude and thankfulness for the blessings in my days.

Easier said than done. There is a balance to be sought, an attempt to value this world and it's tremendous potential and recognize my own powerlessness in the midst of pain, hopelessness and despair. I am always working on creating that balance in a way that tips the scale towards greater hope in the things that last, such as relationships, love and kindness. Those are the moments I want more of in my life.

Yesterday afternoon the weather was really fabulous here, sunny 

but breezy with a hint of coolness in the air... have I mentioned that I love fall??? 

We took a quick trip over to one of our favorite places in the city, Garfield Park Conservatory, unfortunately this summer they have had major damage due to the hailstorms but the grounds are still open for walking. As the sun was going down we enjoyed an early evening stroll through the paths. It's quite the oasis in our urban center... 

Here's Nemo exploring the grass... I can't believe she's 10 months old already... 

hummm counting my fingers...

what is my daddy doing?

oh he's acting crazy so I'll look at him!

students....

Not much to say tonight, but one kind of funny thing....

I taught this weekend and to spice up the afternoon I showed my students a couple of pictures of Nemo. One of my students saw this picture and remarked that we look like a "cute indie family" then she followed that up with "you should start a band."

These two pictures I just like ...

Ahhh summer adventures, the cool weather this weekend is reminding me that the summer is coming to a close... and the summer adventures are just fond sunny memories .... 

on to the next season!